Most of us here have probably been dreading this moment for several years, knowing it was going to come but hoping it wouldn’t, now we are here and it is time to remember Stephany’s life and say goodbye.
Stephany was an exceptional daughter, sister, wife, mother, aunt, sister-in-law, godmother, goddaughter and daughter-in-law, and friend.
She was about a year old when our parents moved to 46 BHP, I was born a few months later.
Steph and I enjoyed a few halcyon years together, our mother and father were young and optimistic and hadn’t developed their ability to argue. I think they couldn’t afford a pram so we were pushed around in a home built gardening barrow, Steph was angelic and already had beautiful long blond hair. Our mother believed in equality for the sexes so I had rather long hair as well. We both went to Isobel Carey’s nursery school in Morden Road and Kate Carey became her best friend. This happy and harmonious childhood was shattered by the arrival of our sister Harriet, Harrie was a noisy and demanding baby and I do not think Steph had her mother’s undivided attention ever again. Candida and Patience were born 18 months later,
Steph was then the only child my mother had that did not need endless attention.
In 1962 we moved to Cambridge and Steph went to the Perse School for Girls, The Perse was a very old school with very high academic standards. When we unexpectedly had to move back to London it was decided that Stephany should stay at the Perse School where she was doing very well.
Our grandfather Frank was an historian and career academic. Our father studied mechanical and chemical engineering at Trinity Hall Cambridge but graduated with a Third because he spent too much time rowing. I think our father hoped Steph might achieve the academic success which had eluded him. She lived with our father’s mother at Histon on the outskirts of Cambridge. Frank Granny as we called her grew up at Ely cathedral where her father was Bishop and at one point the family went to Japan as Christian missionaries. I think this is when Steph began to develop her strong Christian faith which was an important influence in her life.
Steph moved back to Blackheath when she was 11 and went to Blackheath High School for Girls. Just when she was getting used to living at home with all her sisters and brother my father was asked to open an office in Madrid, so while we all moved with much excitement to Madrid, Steph was packed off to a very austere life of white gloves and sensible shoes at Cheltenham Ladies College. Even then she was showing her creative abilities and generous nature and sewing bikinis for the twins to take to Spain.
The good thing for Steph was that she spent holidays and half terms with our grandmother Elizabeth Wood. Our grandmother was a brilliant cook, an artist and lived in a house full of paintings and drawings by many well-known artists. I think Steph learnt a lot about cooking and drawing from Granny. Granny was a self-taught cook learning from Constance Spry and Elizabeth David’s Mastering the art of French Cooking, she had studied art at the Slade school of art and was taught how draw by the famous Principle Henry Tonks. Times spent with our grandmother were very special to Steph, in particular holidays at the Loxhead in the Black Mountains where she walked everywhere in bare feet, sketch book in hand, these were certainly some of her happiest.
At the end of the summer term in 1970 Steph took the school train from Cheltenham to Paddington, she decided to shed the green wool uniform and white gloves and change into ‘mufty’, however the Headmistress Margaret Hampshire was on patrol at the ticket barrier at Paddington and was outraged by Stephany’s disgraceful behaviour. She wrote to our father threatening all sorts of sanctions, our father replied with a one-line letter ‘my daughter will not be returning to your school’.
Marlborough College welcomed Steph with open arms, not many of the boys had 12 ‘O’ levels and the school was keen to improve its academic credentials. While being one of very few girls at a leading Public School must have been a challenge it meant Steph could spend more half terms with our grandmother in Oxfordshire, reading, drawing and cooking. After Marlborough She went straight up to Edinburgh to study Ancient Greek for 4 years.
In the summer holidays Stephany would spend a couple of weeks in Kent cooking for hop-pickers and I imagine this is when she developed her skill and enthusiasm for cooking for lots of people. While Steph had no formal training she cooked with confidence and investigated recipes carefully and took care to buy ingredients from chosen suppliers rather than just buying whatever she could get from the supermarket. The curious thing about Steph’s cooking was that despite being a vegetarian no one was better at cooking meat or fish.
Stephany finally moved back to 46 BHP in her early twenties and very quickly became part of the Blackheath firmament, picking up old friendships and editing the Blackheath local guide.
Subsequently she worked for several years as journalist and editor of entertainment at the
Croydon Comet. It also meant Steph could at last spend more than just holidays with her sisters who were now slightly less annoying than they had been as babies. There were quite a lot of parties, pub crawls and fighting over the bathroom on Saturday evenings. Stephany always dressed with great style and individuality.
She was a bit of a night owl, I can remember getting home in the early hours, sneaking upstairs trying not to wake our parents to find Steph sitting cross legged on the floor of the landing reading a book written in ancient Greek.
Stephany and Andy married in 1988 and Max was born a couple of years later followed by
Ruairidh. She was of course a doting mother and loved almost every aspect of her children’s upbringing and always achieved very high marks in both Max’s and Ruairidh’s homework. This became a vocation and Steph was much in demand as a private tutor and then as School
Governor at St Margaret’s school.
While Steph and Andy spent most of their married life in Lee green and Lewisham they moved for a few years to Southend. While Southend was fine, the local church was very evangelical, all strumming guitars and happy clappy, Steph did her best but after a few months she could take it no longer and had to find a more traditional church. Back in South East London they moved to Bonfield Road and Steph could go back to St Margaret’s.
Holidays and half term were often spent at the Loxhead Steph adored the Loxhead, it was her sanctuary, her special place where she could forget the constraints of London Life. Her perfect evening would probably be to cook supper with a sister or our mother, often there were too many people so supper would finally arrive at about 10.00 o’clock, after supper Steph might have half an hours sleep and then wake up, drink more white wine and talk until4 o’clock in the morning.
The thing about Steph was that she was not a lightweight, if she decided to do something she did it properly with thought, skill and enthusiasm, no short cuts. She had a strong character but would always put others before herself. She was rarely bad tempered or picked a fight and dealt with difficult situations in her own quiet way.
People talk about brave battles with cancer. Steph did not battle it, she just lived with it, bravely. From her first diagnosis through fifteen years of treatment she put complete faith in her oncologist, she never complained about her cancer and if I ever asked her how it was going she would reply ‘its fine’ and then talk about something else.
Stephany was in life a giver not a taker, she had a generous spirit and a natural inclination to give, whether choosing a birthday card, or present or giving her time and effort it was always done with care and a generous heart.
Many of us here will have received Christmas cards from the Murdock’s, while most people may or may not manage a few charity cards hastily posted just before Christmas, Steph of course did things properly. She would draw the most beautiful cards with immaculate decorated borders, these would be printed and your name written in Steph’s stylish handwriting. When you opened the envelope and put the card on the mantelpiece it added something special to your Christmas and you knew the message which read ‘with love from Stephany, Andy, Max and Ruairidh’ was sincerely written